Has life pushed you to the edge? At your wits end? Thinking thoughts out of the norm? Pulling your hair out? Certain you can’t take it any more?
Boy howdy, I know those emotions well. I’ve been to hell and back so many times I no longer need MapQuest. It is such an isolating experience being at the edge armed with the certainty there no are solutions within grasp. Helpless. Helpless. Helpless.
Where is God when it hits the fan? Talking to a priest a decade ago when working through a tough time he told me many of the saints felt abandoned by God. While I’m lightyears from a saint it remained a comfort knowing my feelings were not unique. I have spent most of the last twenty years feeling forgotten by a Devine Creator. There have been instances during the 20+ years believers would say that is the hand of God, but it could have been logically explained away. I’m going to share a story contrary to my soapbox preaching, but in my mind conclusive proof God is with us at all times.
For those that do not know me when I decide to do something it is a done deal, no doubts, no regrets just taking care of business. That applies to suicide as well. Two times during this ALS adventure I exceeded my limit. So how does a quadriplegic kill himself or herself? Sounds like a question that needs a punchline. On my old wheelchair the ventilator was not attached to the chair back and it was possible to recline the chair enough to crush the hose and cut off the air flow. Near my house is a horse park. During the week typically no one frequented the area. The plan was to drive there and take care of business. The first attempt I was nearing the street to leave the subdivision when a neighbor I had never met stopped me to introduce himself. After twenty minutes of conversation it was clear he was not going to leave my side. He with me back to my home. I was pretty certain that was Devine intervention, but time dulls the memory and impressions made. I just couldn’t do this any more for a long list of legitimate reasons beyond exhaustion and depression. Off to the horse park. Nearing the area I encountered my neighbor the street was clear I felt a sense of relief. At the exact location my neighbor thwarted the first attempted my chair suddenly turns 90 degrees and crashes into the curb. The impact knocked my head off the headrest and off the switches I used to drive. Totally helpless I begin laughing uncontrollably. OK God I am certain now was my thought. I felt the weight of the world lifted. I knew I am suppose to be here and no more pity parties.
I do not recommend pushing the Godly envelope rather remember this story. When you reach your limit have confidence in your endurance and know the light of a new day will illuminate things differently. Give it a day. Thanks so much for reading. Have a great day! dj